Rules of Engagement: Talking with Introverts & Extroverts

People seem to feel a need for better understanding between introverts and extroverts these days.  Why else would there be such a proliferation on the internet of introvert vs. extrovert cartoons, comparison charts, and guides like "How to Care for Introverts," "10 Myths About Introverts," "How to Piss Off Introverts" etc.   Not to mention a number of books on the same topic.  (Side note: I can't help but notice the extreme emphasis on introverts as opposed to extroverts in most of these, but that's a topic for another time).   For the moment, I simply want to join this discussion by talking about some key differences I've noticed between the way an extrovert tends to conduct a conversation versus the way an introvert tends to do it. 

When it comes to group conversation, introverts and extroverts seem to operate based on two different sets of assumptions--or we could even say different rules of etiquette.  I notice this difference more with young people (i.e. teens and twenty-somethings), and I especially see it in situations where there is either one introvert among extroverts or vice versa.  As an introvert myself, I've experienced these things a number of times.  I might be generalizing too much--maybe I'm focusing too much on shy introverts vs. extreme extroverts, or maybe there's something else more specific going on--but I've seen these things happen with other people as well, and I've seen it enough times that I'm willing to go out on a limb and say it's a general introvert vs. extrovert thing.  However, I am really curious to know if other people see the same thing, something completely different, or if you just have a different interpretation of these behaviors.  Please leave a comment and give me your two cents! 

So here we go:

Introverts are more likely to wait for a clear opening or look for a kind of "invitation" from the other people before entering a conversation.  By invitation I really just mean that they look for some kind of acknowledgement of their presence, either with a glance, a gesture, a greeting, or a question from the other people present.  This is especially true when the introvert is approaching a conversation that is already under way, and it's doubly true when the conversation in progress is fast-paced or intense.  

Extroverts, on the other hand, tend to assume that if you want to join the conversation, you'll just do it, without waiting for a cue from anyone else.  Extroverts aren't as prone to waiting and reading other people before speaking--they just dive right in, and they expect the responses from other people to be just as quick and spontaneous. 


This can make it rather difficult when an introvert is trying to break into an extroverts' conversation.  The introvert feels odd just jumping in without some kind of acknowledgement first, not to mention that it can just be hard to get a word in edgewise when a group of extroverts really gets going.  From the extroverts' point of view, they don't understand why this person is oddly hanging out at the edge of the conversation, clearly listening but not saying anything.  I think very often it doesn't occur to them that this person wants to say something, but is kind of afraid to, or isn't sure how to start. 

On the other hand, when there's an extrovert in the middle of a group of introverts, they sometimes unwittingly dominate the conversation.  They don't mean to, but it's just that when something pops into their head, they say it, and they respond so fast and so frequently that some of the introverts (who usually need an extra half-second to respond) keep missing their chance to say what they have to say.  I've seen this a number of times where there are one or two quieter people who clearly have something to add to the conversation, but they never get there cause the one manic extrovert in the room keeps beating them to the punch. 

This is not to say that introverts can't dominate the conversation sometimes too.  I've seen introverts who get onto a topic that interests them, and they can go on for ages about it, well past the point where nobody cares anymore.  To a large extent, whether or not someone is a conversation hog has more to do with social skills (or a lack thereof) than anything else.  But I still think extroverts are more likely to do it just because they like to talk--a lot. 

In general, with my introvert friends, when we have a conversation there is a certain set of unspoken rules that we naturally seem to follow.  If two people start talking at the same time, of course one of them must cede to the other, but when the first person is done talking, they will usually turn back to the second person and say, "I'm sorry, what were you going to say?"  Very often, with a group of young extroverts, this never happens.  If you cede to another person, you'll either just have to fit your comment into the conversation later, or more likely just forget about it entirely.  The conversations are so fast-paced--one response follows another like lightning and there is no going back.  I think young extroverts prefer this kind of conversation cause it's snappy, exciting, and fun.  To a quiet introvert like me, it usually just seems like a no-holds-barred, every-man-for-himself melee of words: intimidating, to the say the least. 

The conversations that I have with introverts are usually more sedate and more subject-driven.  They tend to stay more focused on a particular topic and people are more sensitive to what others might be feeling or might want to say.  I'm not saying that we never get really excited about some things, or that the pace never picks up, or that we never just joke and banter and let the conversation roam freely, but I think awareness of other people and exploring ideas tend to play a bigger role in introvert conversations. 

Whenever I behave this way in an extrovert conversation (for example, by trying to the bring the topic back to what someone previously said that I found interesting) I usually get the impression that the extroverts feel like I'm just slowing the conversation down and ruining the fun--that I'm disrupting the natural flow of things.  I think the amount of structure in an introvert conversation is confining to an extrovert.   Instead of a melee, you have a more orchestrated, polite, ceremony of conversation.  To some young extroverts I think this is just plain boring.  But to an introvert, especially a shy one, it provides a safe-haven wherein they can freely express themselves without worrying about being trampled by the melee fighters. 

I believe both introverts and extroverts can both learn a lot by thinking about these things.  Introverts may feel ignored, isolated, or overwhelmed among extroverts, and extroverts may feel like introverts are aloof, strange, or just hard to talk to.  In both cases, it's probably not that the other person dislikes you or doesn't care--it's just that they have different expectations about how people express themselves.  If both groups of people could understand and give each other more leeway for their natural tendencies, then I think we'd have a lot fewer awkward moments in our social lives.  ^_^  You might even become friends with someone that you didn't feel you could talk to before.