Wednesday, December 18, 2013

from The Atlantic - Why Men Can't Take Compliments

An interesting article about the different gender expectations for and reactions to compliments. 

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/why-men-cant-take-compliments/282164/

From my personal experience, I have found it to be true that it's more socially acceptable for a guy to give personal compliments to woman, rather than the other way around.  If a woman compliments or shows too much interest in a guy, it's more likely to be mocked and perceived as the woman "throwing herself" at him.  In general, I think women are expected to be more subtle when it comes to showing romantic interest in someone. 

What are other people's experiences with this?  Do you especially agree/disagree with anything the article said? 

7 comments:

  1. I'll admit, that article was a little tough for me to read because it seemed to mostly be quoting other people's works from various time periods and varying levels of credibility.

    My personal experience is that men take compliments just as well as women. It is true that the types of comments tend to follow cultural norms, but that makes sense as the things men and women take pride in also follow cultural norms. We compliment the stuff that others work hard at or are proud of.

    For that reason, I'm not surprised about the "taking a compliment about appearance as a sexual advance" bit - it's cultural. It doesn't really have much to do with sex, in my opinion, and isn't really a good or bad thing. If you break cultural norms by complimenting a guy you're not interested in on his appearance, especially if you're both single, it makes perfect sense that you would need to be explicit to overcome the cultural expectation. It's just another form of communication, which both sexes are forced to give heed if they want to be properly understood.

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    1. To give a little more context around my comment: I'm the person who will compliment anyone (even complete strangers) on anything if I think something about their appearance or actions is exceptional. I've never had a bad experience with either gender. That said, I probably also observe gender norms most of the time without realizing it in the way I phrase things, because I want to make the other person proud, not uncomfortable.

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    2. Those are really good points. If you want to be understood in any culture you have to follow the cultural rules. I think what the article was questioning is *why* men are not so good at (used to?) being complimented on their appearance, and whether or not that's a good/bad thing. I think you hit on a very important point when you said, "compliment the stuff that others work hard at or are proud of." In general, women do (and are expected to) put a lot more effort into their appearance, so of course, it's more natural to compliment their efforts on it.

      And on a cultural note, people in Korea comment on each other's appearance all the time, and not only is it considered completely natural, but there don't seem to be any gender boundaries. A guy can tell another guy that he's handsome, and it doesn't mean anything except what he's actually saying--he just thinks the other guy looks good. It would never be taken as a come-on. Also, in Korea, on average, everyone puts much more effort into their appearance than we do in the West. Korea is hands-down the most pervasively fashion-conscious place I have ever visited or heard of.

      Thanks for sharing your experiences with this!

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  2. The old gender-role attitudes are still hardwired within us, even among those of us who regard them as outdated or demeaning. It's interesting that this article did not comment on the fact that most compliments on appearance are woman to woman. Most women feel totally comfortable giving compliments to, and receiving compliments from, other women. In fact, its one of the ways women bond with each other.

    It's different between men and women. I think compliments about appearance between opposite genders imply a certain level of intimacy that is out of place in casual dating. I have had no negative reactions complimenting a man on his sense of humor or his taste in music, on the other hand. These are less personal compliments and are the kind I enjoy receiving much more than compliments about appearance.

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  3. Are you missing the free-for-all compliments in korea? ㅋㅋ

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  4. I agree with phyrrestar that complimenting - what's acceptable, not acceptable, strange or normal - is completely cultural. In fact, one of my main hang ups with those norms in the States goes with what Sharon Starr said about women often complimenting other women on their appearance. I think that's great, but also lament the fact that men can't do the same without getting incredibly homophobic. After my experiences in Korea, I've become very aware of the gender irrelevance of physical compliments, and have actually appreciated the ability to be able to give and receive compliments from other men about appearance without them being taken as 'gay' or as a come on. However, do you think this just might be an aggravation of the fact that compliments on men's appearance, even from women, are usually taken as an advance or as interest unless otherwise qualified?

    More relaxation about receiving same-sex compliments among men is something I wish existed in the states, as I believe the second point Sharon Starr made would also hold true - that men would bond more through it. But I know this is just a part of the hyper-masculine culture we've built in America. As a side note, has anyone seen the trailer for the new documentary coming out next year called 'The Mask You Live In' about masculinity in the States? Looks like it'll be interesting and touch on some really good points.

    But more to the point of this post, my personal experience doesn't say much for what this article is arguing, but mostly because I pretty much take people at their word and just think they're being nice when they're complimenting. I've been told multiple times, usually at a much later date, by girls that had complimented me on abilities or personality that they were actually expressing interest, but I just thought they were being nice. It was just a compliment right? =/ Granted, these were compliments on skills and personality. I've never been complimented on physically beyond my hair or what I was wearing, and those I take in the same way I take the others, as nice things to say. This probably shows where I stand in the awareness spectrum of cultural norms related to complimenting others. I personally have no problems complimenting other girls on their appearance, but will bite my tongue when I want to say similar things to guys who aren't my close friends, simply because I've been around too many negative experiences to try my luck and am really too lazy to go through the preamble diatribe of qualification just to tell someone that they look good. Also, while I agree being aware of cultural norms is also important, being aware of the context of compliments is equally as important. I also need to take my own advice, haha!

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